What would you need your daughter to know if something were to happen to you? What would you want to say if you weren’t here to tell her? After finding a letter I wrote to Sugar Plum in 2004 when she was not even a year old I knew I wanted to share what I would say to my daughter (and now to both my daughters) with all of you. I then invited four other fabulous women to share their own advice, fears and above all love with letters to their daughters which I will publish here for all of you each day this week. To read from the beginning please click here.
Today’s guest blogger is Devan McGuinness from one of my favourite blogs Accustomed Chaos. Devan is among the strongest women I’ve had the pleasure of meeting. When I asked Devan to share her letter to her daughter she chose to address a very difficult topic – something no woman should have to go through – but it is something she would want her daughter to know even if she wasn’t here to tell her.
Devan McGuinness is a mother to three living children and an Angel mommy to 10 medically categorized ‘miscarriages’. Diagnosed with a progesterone deficiency and Factor V Leiden, Devan would like to bring the topic of perinatal grief out of the closet to help women and families feel supported & understood. Website: AccustomedChaos.com Email: firstname.lastname@example.org
To my beautiful daughter:
This is a moment I wish you never had to be given this letter. A moment I desperately wish I could be with you – to hold you – to assure you. I am so sorry for your loss. The loss of your dream, your hopes, your pregnancy and your baby.
You are changed. But not broken!
Navigating though this grief can be haunting, confusing and lonely. Please surround yourself with your partner, your Daddy and your brother & sister. It is okay to lean on them. It is okay to cry. It is okay to be sad even if society tells you “it is not that bad.”
It is bad. It is painful. It is real. It is okay.
I wish I had an answer for you as to why this had to happen – why your child had to leave you. I am so sorry that I don’t have the answer. You might not ever get the answer – all I do know is you will carry your Angel with you forever.
There will be times in your life where you will think about your Angel a lot. The due date, the angel date, the ‘should be first birthday’. It is okay to be sad on those days – it is also okay to celebrate on those days. It might even come in waves – you will be fine one moment and broken the next. This will get easier as time goes on – it wont be so hard or as sudden but this type of grief can last a lifetime. You will never get ‘over it’ and it will never ‘go away’ but there will be better days later on then bad days.
I promise you wont feel like you are drowning forever.
Right now please take care of yourself and let others help. Know that it is okay to cry and be sad about your loss. No matter what gestational age your baby was when s/he passed. Your pain is real and your loss is real. Name your Angel and talk about her (him), write a letter to her (him) when you feel strong and ready to. You will feel strong again one day.
I am so sorry my beautiful girl. Please read and re-read this:
This is not your fault. You did nothing wrong. Your body is not faulty. You are not faulty.
I love you with everything I am.