I am a working mom with four children – three of my own and as many of you know we are raising my 17 year old sister as well (click here for why).
Given that my own children are still young and I spend about $2,500/month on child care, I cannot tell you the number of times I’ve been asked by friends, strangers, new moms and soon-to-be-moms “have you ever considered staying home?”
The answer, if you’ve read even a smidgen of my blog is YES!
Once I’ve given my answer the inevitable conversation of why I don’t stay home and what I would have done differently begins. So if marrying for money is either not within your good fortune or just not an option (since I’ve often been told that if you marry for money you earn every penny) here are my recommendations for how to be a Stay-at-Home-Mom in five not-so-easy steps.
- Choose a supportive spouse/partner. Not all spouses want a stay-at-home partner. Some are too stressed by the thought of trying to survive on one income, some are too selfish to consider giving up the perks of two incomes and some are too envious of what may be perceived as your lack of responsibility because you “just” stay home.
- Make decisions based on ONE income and ONE income only. I cannot stress this enough as I’ve seen it many times – including with myself. You’re newly married, or in my case about to get married, and you buy a house and a car that you can easily afford, but with both of your incomes. Deciding to stay home is a lot more difficult if you have to figure out a way to pay a two-income mortgage or convince your spouse to downsize. Until you decide to have children, as much as you can, live off one income and save the rest for inevitable emergencies and life’s little surprises. Most importantly, once you’ve made this decision actually commit to living by it.
- No matter what, don’t go into debt. “Reasonable” mortgages and car payments are necessities, but the home renovation, European vacation and designer wardrobe are not. Pay off your student loans early. Use your credit card only if you have a plan to pay off the balance in a VERY short amount of time and don’t rely on a line of credit. Debt in itself can prevent you from having the option of staying at home.
- Get an education. I am tired of hearing that it’s such a pity so-and-so decided to stay home after getting and paying for “such a good education”. A good education gives you options. Options to work and help support your family. Options to stay at home and be able to more easily re-enter the work force when needed or desired. Options to find a job/position that allows you to work from home or part-time. Options that give you comfort in the knowledge that the promotion and the higher salary will be there later if you want it/choose to go after it. Education=Options and you’re doing yourself a disservice if you think you don’t need options.
- Talk about it early. Don’t wait until a month before you have to go back to work to have “the talk” with your partner. Begin to discuss it while pregnant, or even while you are trying to get pregnant. Budget, prepare and discuss the pros, cons and concerns. When it comes to changing the way you live, the way you spend and the way you interact with your spouse there is no such thing as too much planning.
In my own case I did follow some of this advice including choosing a supportive husband and getting an education. What I didn’t do is make decisions early with one income in mind and my student loans were far from paid off when I started having children. Because of this I was the soon-to-be-back-at-work-mom who would have desperate conversations with my husband about being able to stay home a month before I was due back at work. They were never effective and the numbers -no matter how hard I wished them to be- were never in the black.
While there are many other not-so-easy steps I’m sure other working and stay at home moms could add, if you really want to stay at home and your spouse is not a multi-millionaire, make your decisions wisely, early and openly.
That being said, the best “when to have children” advice I ever got came from the father of my long-time childhood friend who said “if you waited until you could afford to have children you would never have them“.
So whether you can afford to stay-at-home or not, do the best you can and love with all you have within you and then you’ll never have to question if you could have done better.
I’d say that list is pretty bang on. I would love a bigger house and nicer things but not so much that I would trade being home for them.
And I read the story of how your sister came to live with you- woah!
Thanks for reading Kristin. Hope to see you around again soon.
Maija
Being a stay at home parent was something that was very important to me personally. Before my husband and i got married {before we finished school} we talked and agreed that we would have one stay at home parent until my kids were full time in school. We did what we could to make that happen & set ourselves up that way. We have been living on one income for over 5 years now & we are lucky that my husband makes enough to support our household. We took the precautions (starter home, one vehicle) & are set up in any case I need to go back to work – since i got my education first we have options.
YOu are right – it has to be something that usually needs to be thought out and can rarely ‘ just happen’. Good list – bang on!
Thanks Devan – I’d like to be “bang on” every day
Great list! I never imagined I’d be a SAHM, not in a million years! Neither did my husband, so I’d say #1 is the biggest battle in this house. :p Yet, here I am, at home on a Tuesday morning in January. Life sometimes takes you in unexpected places, which is why I think it’s important for new moms or moms-to-be to consider life as a SAHM regardless of their original intentions. It can be a bit of a culture shock if you find yourself there without at least imagining the possibility.
Like I said – “options”. Thanks for commenting Jill.
Maija
Gosh you’re wise ;<)
great post
M2M
Coming from you that’s a HUGE compliment! Thanks M2M.
I really wish that when we have kids I could be a SAHM, but I don’t think that’s going to be the case. The problem is we know we can live on one salary, but that salary is mine!
Jen – honestly, we probably could have done it on mine too.
I am a SAHM but also a WAHM it is the only way that we can afford for me to be at home! Working from home. I have had to change everything I do to become a WAHM but it was not practical for me to go back to work after having Baba. I would be working nights, 7pm tp 7am and Mr L leaves for work at 5am and doesn’t get in till 8pm some days! So it would have been a massive struggle. We have had to make changes as I don’t earn any where near what I was and it is hard at times really hard to make the ends meet but it is a decision we made together.
Your list is very accurate though xx
Great post — someone also gave my husband and I that exact same piece of advice about waiting until we could afford a child….In our case, we both work full-time and are lucky that his mom & my mom watch our son 1 day per week each, and he’s in daycare 3 days per week (we’re also lucky that we get to pay a daily rate). Every family situation is different and if you can be a SAHM mom, then more power to you – I would LOVE to do that or even only have to work part-time, but for now we cannot afford for me NOT to work. Ugh.
Great advice! However, I do have to include that becoming at SAHM is one of the worst financial decisions any woman can make. This is incredibly unfair, but true. Time spent out of the workforce will diminish social security earnings (if it’s even around by the time we need it) and there’s no guarantee that lost wages can ever be re-earned. Gaps in employment, unfortunately, are an incredible eye-sore to employers. I would add one very important MUST to your list, which is to put money away in the event of a separation from your income source (partner). In the event of a separation, your partner still has their income and you have, well, nothing.
It’s incredibly disheartening to think about such heavy subjects like divorce/separation at the beginning of such a loving moment. Or to look at your children as such a financial hiccup; it truly sucks. But, believe me, I’ve met tons of women who never ever considered these things and they were beyond shocked when they were left with nothing. Finally, no one should make life decisions based solely on financials. Weigh your heart, too.
Gosh it is depressing isn’t it. I have to agree with sex-year itch that having children has such an impact on your career, that is never talked about when you are growing up and going through education, planning your future. You can end up in situation you never foresaw where you are suddenly not equal with your husband.
M2M
I would love to be a SAHM, but right now, I am the breadwinner in our family. We don’t live outrageously – a starter home, inexpensive cars & only one car payment, no credit card debt, minimal student loans, shop sales & coupons. It’s just not in the cards for us, but it is something that we have come to accept over the past year. We might (MIGHT) be able to make it month-to-month when you look at paychecks, but when weighing insurance, retirement, stability in this crazy economy…it just doesn’t make sense right now.
But at the same time, I think that Six Year Itch has some valid points – I think a lot of folks look at take-home-pay as the only thing to weigh when deciding to be a SAHM, but there are certainly other things to consider. I don’t think it’s necessarily the “worst financial decision” for a woman to stay home, but there are other aspects to weigh & I think she did an excellent job of pointing those out.
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Found this article VERY fasincating- last monday was my 1st day of being a sahm. i hope you don’t mind me sharing a link to this article on my facebook page.
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