Last night as I was tucking my nine year old daughter into bed after a long day for both of us she reached up put her arms around my neck and asked me to crawl into bed with her so we could snuggle and talk.
When I crawled in next to her she snuggled as close as she possibly could and when she couldn’t get any closer she opened her eyes just long enough to get my attention and said “something happened at school today“.
My heart dropped as she told me that two of the girls she regularly plays with have spent the last few days building a snow fort with a couple of the other girls in their grade. A fort that seems to be off limits to my daughter and her BFF. Instinctively I was surprised because these four girls play together every day. They are a regular foursome in the playground and at birthday parties. I asked the anticipated questions trying to understand if something happened, if words were said, if there was a falling out.
Tears brimmed and my sweet little girl told me that she didn’t know why and she was sure she hadn’t done anything to hurt their feelings and that the only reason they are excluding them is to be mean.
Within a split second I had plans to email their mothers, to call the school, to protect my baby’s feelings.
Instead I took a deep breath and looked my far-too-young-to-be-dealing-with-this-just-yet daughter right in her eyes and said “I want you to remember how this feels“.
She closed her eyes knowingly and snuggled in a little closer.
“I know this feels awful and I wish I could tell you that it will never happen again but the truth is that girls can be mean and exclude and gossip for no reason and I want you to remember how this feels because I never want you to be the girl that is mean.”
I waited, to see if she would object. To see if she wanted me to be the momma bear and instead she said “I know Mom. I don’t ever want to make someone sad like this.”
I hugged her tight and made promises of seeing what happens tomorrow and that I will always be there to listen and gave her kisses on top of her head until she fell asleep.
The next day she went to school with a smile on her face and came home tired and content. She told me the other girls got bored of the fort and they played together just like always. I want to tell her to stay away from those girls, to stand up for herself and to tell them they are wrong. But we’ve all been through this and she too will have to learn to navigate the mean girl waters.
Did I do the right thing? Did I say the right words? Should I have emailed those moms?
I still don’t really know.
But I do know that my daughter was hurt and for the first time I asked her to remember what that feels like and I hope that hurt and my words will stay with her always.
It won’t save her from being hurt like this again but it may save her from hurting someone else’s daughter.
Today it’s a snow fort… tomorrow a boy… the next day who knows…
I remember this exact type of girl nastiness when I was young. You did exactly the right thing.
Thanks SamiJoe! I hate the fact that we’ve all been through this and now we need to watch our daughters go through it as well.
I had a similar conversation with my 8 year old last week. The smile I usually see as she hops off the bus was missing. Besides reinforcing that this is a feeling, and words, to never inflict on others, I also encouraged her to speak with the friend who had hurt her feelings. They spoke, things were brought out and the rest of the week went smoothly. I know it’s not a fix, but I want my children to be comfortable confronting issues and speaking about them and their feelings.
I want to remember this when my little girl is older. I think you did the right thing too. It’s hard to know when to interfere as a parent.
You are a much more mature mom than I am…
I love this, as someone that got bullied in elementry school I remember how bad it felt to be excluded, but its also made me a stronger and better person later on in high school and now as a adult. I need to rememeber this lesson for when Naomi is old enough to deal with these things. Thank you for writing it.
Something similar happened here on Saturday. I did not interfere either. That’s how kids become resilient, right? (That’s what I tell myself…
There’s no right thing or wrong thing. Every situation is unique. This was the right thing for this situation. Our job is to teach our little birdies to fly, and no matter how hard we want to help them, sometimes they have to learn to work it out themselves, or not work it out, whatever the result may be.
I don’t think, I KNOW you did AWESOME!~
I have vivid & very unpleasant memories of mean girl torment when I was a kid. I think you handled this totally right, Maija, because of this: you’ll never be able to stop mean girl behaviour (sadly), and you’ll never be able to prevent bad behaviour in the kids your daughter comes in contact with. All you can do is help her to deal with it when it happens, help her grow up feeling strong and confident so she can let it roll off her back, and help her develop empathy so she doesn’t become an unwitting perpetrator.
Hugs to you & your daughter.
I think you did the right thing. One of the focuses of my child-rearing has always been to encourage my children to ‘buck the trend’. My daughters, don’t go with what everyone says, don’t wear or want to look like them. My girls I told then wear jeans, or messy hair, or don’t worry about what you look like. Are you kind? Is there someone new in your class? Did you help? I am soooooo proud. My boys, I said. Want to draw, be kind, play with a girl? You are a smart boy. Be kind to that boy that can’t, and it’s ok if you can’t. The earlier we fight stereotypes the better. We should forget pink,blue. We want women in space, engineers, mathematicians. we want boys cooking, designing and stay at home Dad’s.
Equality, starts early, this is parenting, to me.
you 100% did the right thing.
I remember being about your daughters age and my bff asking me to come outside where she promptly asked me who her best friend was. I said “me” without hesitation. “No you’re not!” she snapped “Elaine is”.
2 months later and I was bullying Angela. Swept up in the excitement of finally being the girl calling the shots. I wish my mum had snuggled next to me in bed and told me to think a little harder.
M2Mxx
What a fantastic approach to take, I don’t know if I would have thought of that. But definitely letting her live through the little hurts may stop her from being the person to cause a big one.
Why are girls/women so mean? Sometimes its like we can’t help ourselves