As a newbie blogger I wasn’t sure I was ready to guest blog but when my new Mommy Blogger/Twitter friend Lindsay @NewBreedMama put out a call for guest bloggers to cover her while she went on vacation I stuck my hand up like a know-it-all first grader. Actually I think I sent her a twitter message saying “Pick me! Pick me”. Thankfully she did. When she told me I could write about absolutely anything I wanted that had to do with motherhood and thought that would be an easy task. Afterall, every day I blog about whatever mommy whim I have. But when you’re presented with such an open-ended opportunity AND it’s my first guest blog AND it’s for a mommy blogger I truly enjoy and admire I was a little nervous about what would become the final result. But here it is.
Please go and meet Lindsay for yourself at www.newbreedofmom.blogspot.com or click here to read my post on A New Breed of Mom then click your way through Lindsay’s fantastic blog.
Thank you Lindsay @NewBreedMama for the opportunity to guest blog. It was an absolute honour!
Have you ever pretended you were something you weren’t? Not in a way where you actually told a lie, but that you let someone assume something about you that maybe you just didn’t correct. Perhaps you let someone assume you read the book before the movie came out, or that you really did graduate Ivey League or even that your perfect tan came from a fabulous exotic vacation rather than from a bottle.
Today I did just that… only I pretended to be “one of them”. I just let someone assume I was a stay-at-home mom. It was 10 a.m. on a weekday and I was in the park. The park that many people drive to but the moms who live in close proximity consider it a ‘neighbourhood’ park. I had my three children with me and I looked like I had absolutely nowhere else to be. I had my mommy bag of healthy snacks, juice, and SPF 50 sunscreen. The one thing that would have truly given me away – my Blackberry – I left in the van.
I was wearing Sweet Pea in the baby sling and I was helping Bugaboo onto the ‘big boy’ swing when one of the neighbourhood moms who was forced to break away from her group due to a rogue child wanting to swing instead of slide asked me one of the appropriate ‘initiate conversation with fellow mommy’ questions: “How old is he?”
I look over, smile, give Bugaboo a push and answer “two and half. How old is your (quick check… yes she’s wearing pink shoes) daughter”? “Just turned two” she tells me. Now we’re best friends. Yes, on the playground, when you have nowhere else to be, sometimes it happens that quickly.
We exchange our children’s names (but never our own) and she asks about Sweet Pea and then about Sugar Plum who is happily playing with the others on the slide. Then she says to me “I’m not looking forward to school in September since Jack (among the sliding children) will be going into grade one and I’ll be home with just this one. It will be so lonely. At least you still have two at home.”
And there was my moment. My moment to say something about my maternity leave ending in September and therefore I won’t be home at all anymore. At 10 a.m. during the week I will have somewhere else I need to be (and likely many somewheres) besides the park.
But I didn’t. I just nodded as if admitting yes I was lucky and understood how lonely she would be. I then went on to a safe topic of where Jack went to school. Within a few minutes I was welcomed into the fold of the stay-at-home mommies, happily talking about upcoming cottage vacations and dance classes starting in September. It’s the same conversation I’m sure we would have had whether I was a stay-at-home mom or not but I was happy to be considered one of them.
There are stay-at-home moms, working moms, work-from-home moms and combinations of all of the above. For the last year I have been lucky to have been home on my third maternity leave but I am definitely a working mommy. I think I am one of those moms that fluctuate between wanting to work and wanting to be at home. If I am completely honest, however, I think the division would be 49% work and 51% home and it’s that 1% that gets me every time. I want to be one of them – at least 51% of the time.
I love my job. I make a difference in my job. Most importantly I make a good living and equally provide the financial resources to support our home and our lives. Seven years ago, while on my first maternity leave, staying at home was not an option. Now perhaps, if we had a smaller house, one less car and likely no dance, skating, swimming or vacations, living on my husband’s salary alone might be an option.
Maybe…
So perhaps by choice but perhaps not, I work… hard.
I’ve been a mom for seven years so I am well aware of the work-at-home vs. stay-at-home mommy debate and I refuse to take sides. I also refuse to believe that because my children went to daycare, preschool and/or stayed home with a nanny that they are any less emotionally, socially or intellectually developed. Nor that because I am a working mother my children will live unhealthy lifestyles or become obese.
I will also not believe that the children of stay-at-home mommies are any less prepared for school, have a higher rate of suffering from anxiety or have an unhealthy emotional attachment to their mothers.
I will, however, despite alienating many a working mom with this comment, continue to feel the guilt of choosing and/or having to work. I can only hope the guilt is less when all three of my children are in school full-time.
Again… maybe…
The mommy conversation dwindles as the children have tired of the slide and the swings. They’ve eaten all the snacks, the juice containers are empty and the sun is getting hotter by the minute. It’s time to go home. Jack’s mom is frantically trying to soothe her crying over –tired two year old while running after Jack who is grabbing a toy from another child. As her daughter is pulling at her hair and Jack is now screaming and lying face down in the sand after his mother gave back the toy, she looks at her friends who give her sympathetic smiles and says “it’s days like today I wish I was back at work”.
I guess the grass is always greener on the other side.
This is great! And so true.
x
Yes, so true. I’m a work at home mom (though there really is no such thing) and I think I 51% hate it and 49% love it. The grass IS always greener…even if it is just that 1%.
Well done!! And so true, thank you for writing from the heart.
As the child of two full time working parents- I in no way think I am less developed or didn’t have enough compassion in my life. In fact, I’m 25 years old and call my mother every weekend, we have a very close relationship.
When your children know you work to support them- they understand the importance of it. So long as you never blow them off for your blackberry and aren’t completely cold to them. My spouse’s mother traveled every week for work and was left 2 days a week to be mommy. She proceeded to be tyrannical- forcing disciplinary actions when she got home that were beyond harsh for a 14 year old (for 3 months sitting with nose to the wall in the living room and only being left alone to potty or sleep for receiving chocolates from an online friend). Who else was my spouse to talk to when step-dad worked at the bar all night and slept all day and mom was always god knows where in the country and couldn’t be bothered to call? There’s a difference between working full time and out right neglect. My mom was a full time mom and a full time employee. My mother in law was a full time employee and a part time mother (we never call her ‘mom’, always “mother”).
I am the youngest child of a stay-at-home mom, but my perspective is different. My mother did nothing special to spend time with me while she was home. We didn’t do things together, we didn’t go shopping. She had no car, no friends that she spent time with. In fact, looking back, I think she was lonely and somewhat bitter. So, it might have been better had she worked.
It isn’t just whether the parent is home or not, it’s the quality of the time you have together. If that extra time isn’t quality time, then what is it worth?
I just wanted to let you know what an impact your post had on me. I had my first child in August and I had the hardest time going back to work. I felt guilty every day I dropped my son off at the daycare provider’s house. It wasn’t that I was worried he wouldn’t be safe, because I know that my husband and I chose the right person to watch him, but it was all of the other feelings that I struggled to work through. After reading your post I realized that what I was feeling was normal, and I was not alone. And as you put it I can only hope the guilt is less when my children are in school full-time. Thank you for your beautiful words, they are truly an inspiration!
Laeny,
Thank you so much for writing! Part of the reason why I blog is because I was having a hard time finding an out-of-home working mom’s blog I could relate to. I LOVE that you’ve been able to relate to mine. My guilt is constant. My envy of SAHMs is constant. But I work, and you will always find me being sincerely honest about the struggles, the guilt, the balancing act and the absolute mayhem of being a working mom.
If you ever need to chat – feel free to comment or drop me a note at maijasmommymoments(at)gmail(dot)com