“And how many words does she have?”
“Two” I say. I’ve answered this question so many times in the last six months I can predict their response without hesitation.
“Two?” they’ll question.
“Yes. Two”. I’ll say confidently because I know, I am her mother.
Most don’t bother with asking what the two words are and all are comforted by my sequence of “Yes” responses to the questions that follow.
“Does she babble?”
“Yes”
“Does she follow simple instructions?”
“Yes”
“Does she make eye contact”
“Yes”
“Does she look to you for comfort”
“Yes”
Then referrals are made. Appointments are bumped up and follow-ups are scheduled.
I try not to worry. Sweet Pea is my third baby. With the first you worry about every cough, bump and concern and by the third you’ve taught yourself to take things a little more in stride.
Usually.
As I see the possibilities running through the mind of whomever is interviewing us I know they are thinking words with many implications.
Delay
Hearing Impairment
Autism
While I can only hope those words will never define my daughter -and I am almost certain they never will- I know they are there, in the minds of the “experts” unspoken until more appointments, more tests and more time.
“We will follow-up after her assessment” they tell me.
“We will monitor her progress” they attempt as comfort.
“Done and Mama” I say. Their response is to always look up, confused.
“In case you need to know, her words are Done and Mama”.
“Yes, thank you” they say as notes are scribbled.
Then I leave.
I take the long walk back to the van through hospital hallways and clinic waiting rooms carrying my over-tired child who has waited hours for a ten minute appointment.
I don’t let my mind wander. I don’t let the words left unspoken twist and turn in my head.
Instead, I focus on two words.
“Done” she says.
“Yes Sweet Pea, all done” I tell her as I snuggle my face into her neck and leave kisses behind on her cheek and on the top of her head.
When we get to the van and I strap her into the car seat I know just by looking at her that she is going to be asleep before we leave the parking lot. She reaches her hand up to my mouth and I kiss the palm of her hand. As her eyes slowly close she gives me one last big blue-eyed look.
“Mama” she says.
“Yes, Mama loves you” I say.
Right then at that moment I know that only two words matter.
The rest will come. I know they will.
Maija, I know exactly how you feel. All though same thoughts have raced through my mind and heart. We just want the best for a babies, we don’t want them to struggle or to be left behind or left out. We worry….but that is our job as a mother, we are our children’s advocates and we have to go through all the terrifying appointments and despite our best efforts our mind thinks of every possible scenario…. But Big Kid is now doing really well. And if you ever need an ear or a shoulder I’m here.
Kristen – I’m going to put you on my speed dial!
WerYou are in such a tough place. I remember waiting for answers when my own daughter wasn’t talking. It sounds like you are focused on what matter. I hope you get some answers soon. Sending you hugs!
I know.
Believe me, I know.
I cringe for his 18-month appointment that comes up in the next few weeks. I know he’s fine. I know he’s “normal.” I worry for the fight I have ahead of me in simply protecting him.
Exactly what you said. “I know. Believe me I know.” My Sweet Pea is just a few months older than Harry and te 18 month appointment was okay… until they started making referrals. Good luck! Keep me posted.
Oh, Maija. I have tears streaming down my face. The love of a mother is so powerful and you are such an AMAZING one. I am confident everything will be fine because you are confident and you know her best. But, no matter what, you have the right approach, focus on the love. xo Friend.
Thank you so much Jen! Love having friends like you who help remind me what’s important!
Such a great post. My son is 2.5 and while the doctor doesn’t seem terribly concerned about his very limited vocabulary, his daycare teachers are and constantly give me ‘tude about why I don’t have him in 20 different therapies by now. That’s annoying. But the thing that bothers me more than the judgement from other adults is simply not knowing what is wrong with him when he’s upset and not hearing “I love you, mommy” like I hear the other little kids in his class say. That kills me.
So beautifully written! I saw you, I saw her, I saw the kisses! I felt the whole thing!
Regardless of what other words MAY eventually describe her – she’s such a beautiful sweet little girl, better words would preceed them.
xo
“Better words would preceed them” – you couldn’t be more right!
Oh! She sounds like a darling little girl!
Good luck. It will work itself out, it always does; but, you know that. =]
Above all else – she is a little darling. Thank you for reminding me of that. Just one more of the important things.
My son spoke 5 words at age 2. At age 5 I am told he has an extraordinary vocabulary of which he doesn’t stop using (all. the. time.). My second son talked very early and who needs tubes is 3 1/2 and most people can’t understand much of what he is saying. Words… who knew they would be so important to a mother?
*Hugs*
Under the Covers – thank you! For the comment, the understanding and especially the virtual hug!
I had a friend who’s son was referred to a speech and lanuage program; by the time he got past the wait list had far surpassed his peers. A few years later another friend’s son was also referred and waitlisted as told was delayed – and again, within a few months of being on the waitlist was totally caught up. Both times the parents were caused a lot of stress in the diagnosis of “potential delay”, yet both times the kids totally caught up on their own. I don’t mean to disrespect the professionals and experts who are able to diagnose and then provide appropriate support for true developmental delay. But kids can, and do, develop at their own speed! And for the most part – they all catch up to a level playing field! I have never met your child nor you, nor seen what assessments were applied, but I just had to add in my two cents – as the mom of a daughter same age as yours, who has a sister that was very advanced in early speech development and yet my toddler is not – that I try to not sweat the small stuff. And to me – slow early development of language is small stuff as long as there are other clues present that things are OK – which are usually picked up on by intuitive mothers such as yourself. Such as the fact that she loves being cuddled/being social/makes eye contact (so likely not autistic) and that she easily follows commands (hearing is complex, and I know you have had ear-issues with your wee ones, but knowing her receptive language is intact is huge) . Then I wonder – how much do her older siblings talk FOR her? How much time do you spend talking to her the same way you did with her siblings (as from my own experience when I had one child I could spend a lot more time one-on-one than with my second child merely due to the fact that my time was now divided in half). How physical is she? (my early talker was a docile toddler; my late talker is a bull in a chinashop – it is hard to develop language when you are busy running/jumping/climbing). I didn’t worry that my first didn’t climb/jump but had clearn enunciation, and am not worried that my second is climbing/jumping but is not enunciating). Bottom line – yes there can be delays that can be fixed, and yes it is easier to fix sooner than later. But there should also be the reassurance that there is LOTS of room for variation, and chances are by grade one, most kids are talking just fine – just like there can be large variations in bladder control, but chances are by grade one majority of kids are fine! Good luck, hugs, try to not stress, and remember these quiet days when she is a teen!
You know – I’m laughing to myself over here because I plan on saving this comment and when Sweet Pea is in grade one and she’s completely caught up on whatever she may be delayed on now I am going to post this comment and invite you to say “I told you so!”
THANK YOU for your comment. You couldn’t be more right.
First let me say, I’m not a medical expert on Autism. On the other hand, I have an Autistic son and god child so I would say I have some first hand experience. I have done so much research on the subject my head at times feels like it’s caving in. Knowing your family, and spending what time I have with your children, I can say confidently that none of your beautiful babies show the real signs of Autistic behavior. What do I mean by the real signs? Things like pacing, agitation, looking through you and not at you are just a few. I know this probably won’t ease any of your worries. As a mother, I completely understand. Just a thought, you may want to look into development delays of a third child. By the time the third baby comes into the world (and usually the last), momma’s already know the signs, can determine in advance what the child will want or need and will just take care of it, without the child having to ask. 3rd children sometimes are not pushed to develop as quick as their older siblings because we want them to stay babies for as long as they can and savor each and every moment, since its most likely the last time (until we are grand parents – UGH) that will be able to enjoy this amazing time. Again, I am not a medical expert, but as I mentioned earlier, my god child is Autistic, her older sibling has Downs Syndrome and, unfortunately there were development delays with the youngest and they once again feared (actually were told by doctors) that they had a special needs child. That beautiful boy is now 6 years old, in Sr. Kindergarten and is perfectly healthy and happy with no development issues.
To you and the rest of your family.
Deb – you are amazing. Not only did you make me feel so much better you likely just diagnosed my child without one “follow-up appointment” with “Third Child Syndrome!” (which also made me laugh out loud!).
Thank you!
Been a reader for awhile, but never commented before. Just wanted to say to you to trust yourself, yes even more than the doctors. My dd, who is now 7, spoke no words when she was two. That’s right zero! She sort of had some screeches that I knew meant something, but no words. Just a few sign language clues. She was referred–I never went. At two and 1/2, she started talking in complete sentences. Literally, her preschool teacher came running out to carpool when we came back from spring break and said, “Did you know she is talking in complete sentences? She’s never said anything before now.” I really, really wanted to say, “Nope, I hadn’t noticed that.”
Once she started talking, she talked non-stop like she was trying to make up for lost time. Academically, she is not delayed but ahead now.
If you’re the type that likes to pray for strangers though, you can definitely pray for my girl. She was diagnosed with leukemia on Jan 15. We’re 3 months into her 3 years of chemo treatment. The good news is that she’s still talking, and we’re having conversations that I never would have had with her without cancer being in the picture.
Hang in there mommy——and take that vacation with you hubby
Oh, I should add……..she is the third child as well………third child syndrome???
Your reply popped up on my email and I can’t help but respond – I will definitly be praying for you and your beautiful daughter Amy!! Tons and tons of heart hugs to both of you (and your husband and her siblings who I am sure need a lot as well). As the Mom of a 7 year old and 1.5 year old myself I cannot even fathom what you all must be going through – but from your post it certainly seems like you will all be going through it with dignity and love – while reminding the rest of us that sometimes it is the unspoken words that have the strongest impact. xoxo
Thank you fro the prayers KandE! If you would like to step into this journey with us on a regular basis, you can visit us at caringbridge.org/visit/samsury. I update our friends and family there. I’m not a “writer”, but it is a nice way to reach out during this interesting time in our lives.