I will admit. I have Mommy-Brain. It started with Pregnancy-Brain and then moved into complete Sleep-Deprived-Brain and has now settled into a full-blown case of chronic Mommy-Brain.
At any given time it’s a good day if I know where my kids, my keys and my Blackberry are. The rest we just hope for the best.
But since returning to work I can’t shake this feeling that I am forgetting something.
I drive away from the house with this lingering feeling but a quick check confirms I know where my keys and my Blackberry and usually my purse are.
I walk through the day feeling like I am missing something and then there is a moment when I am reminded that Sweet Pea isn’t here. I’m at work instead of at home with her and my entire body, my entire sense of self in short my entire being is adjusting to not having her with me.
I spent just under nine months being pregnant with her (despite not knowing she was there for the first four months see: How Far Along Are You?), I nursed her what seemed like constantly for 11 months and I was lucky enough to be able to spend the last 14 months being home with her.
Not having her with me, usually attached to me via baby sling, is like walking around with a piece of me - a HUGE piece of me - missing.
I will adapt. I have the other two times I went back to work from maternity leave. But this time around is very difficult. I don’t know if it’s because my littlest baby was a surprise or that she is my last baby but my heart aches until I get home at night and hug her to me.
I’m in constant withdrawal until I’m with her. I’m close to tears until I can kiss her. I spend my days running from meeting to meeting wondering what am I forgetting but not letting myself actually admit, for fear of opening the flood of tears, that it’s my baby.
So while right at this minute, I know where my Blackberry, my keys and even my purse are, I am desperately missing my baby.
I can only hope she isn’t missing me like I am missing her.
